<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Today's Another Day to Find You by rwang938</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24883540">Today's Another Day to Find You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/rwang938/pseuds/rwang938'>rwang938</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Family Feels, Reconciliation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:27:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,855</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24883540</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/rwang938/pseuds/rwang938</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Post TLOU part 2 so spoiler alert</p><p>Ellie is not the same. But in the midst of everything, her feet keep moving toward Jackson and what might still be waiting for her there if she can trust herself enough to hold onto it this time.</p><p>Character death is about Joel, no one else is dying in this!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dina &amp; Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>490</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I'm odds and ends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I don't want to lose you."<br/>
…</p><p>"Good."</p><p> </p><p>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br/>
Ellie put one foot in front of the other as she navigated the hills that she knew were bringing her closer to Jackson with every step. It had taken almost twice as long to get back as it had taken to get to Santa Barbara.</p><p>Yes. The truth is Ellie had thought about it. Not coming back. Letting herself bleed out into the water at the dock and considering everyone better off for it. Having the last thing she saw be Abby headed into the ocean mist with that kid in tow. </p><p>Ellie was tired. She couldn't remember a time when she wasn't tired. She remembered feeling a kind of relief with Riley in that mall years ago, knowing it would all be over soon. But then it wasn't. And then she kept living. And it was so goddamn hard to live.</p><p>Then there was a resigned relief when Joel took her to the Firefly hospital. She didn't know it for sure, but she had a sense her life as she knew it would be over while she was changing into the hospital gown. But then it wasn't. And then she kept living. This was the stupid luck she had in abundance while so many others died. People she loved. People she hated. </p><p>Well not every person she hated. Ellie couldn't shake that moment on the beach, when Abby looked at the kid in the boat and didn't hesitate to say she didn't want to fight. The fucking nerve of that bitch. To take what she took and think she could just walk away from it, while Ellie couldn't stop running into it, over and over again</p><p>Ellie needed it to be over. No matter how good life had been with Dina and JJ, it had always felt like she was going to ruin it with the flashbacks and the sleepless nights. She was afraid she just wasn't the same anymore after Seattle, that she was toxic to the people around her. That was why leaving Jackson the first time for the farm was necessary. But it didn't stop the memories from flooding in again shortly after.</p><p>Ellie's right foot shot out beneath her on a rocky stretch of trail, sending her sliding butt first down the slope.</p><p>Ellie saw herself again at the docks, her bleeding hands tight around Abby's throat and watching her panicked eyes beneath the shifting water. Ellie was so weak from the blood loss by then, she thought she might pass out any second. Then, she heard the gentle strumming of a guitar from far off. She figured she must be worse off than she thought if she was hallucinating. But it brought her back to that last night….the last night with Joel on his porch. So much she would've said if she knew. But that's the way it was now, you just lose people and you never see it coming. And then you have to get up again and face the day.</p><p>Ellie rubbed her sore back, stood a little wobbly, dusted herself off and continued the trek forward. She moved some foliage aside as she descended into the valley and looked at the walls and gates of Jackson before her. She thought it would look different. Sure it had only been about a year since the last time she was here but she was so different now that she wanted some reflection of that in this place. But it was still solidly Jackson. Some bile rose in the back of her throat as she thought about what awaited her behind the walls.</p><p>How was she going to face them? </p><p>Maria.</p><p>Tommy.</p><p>Dina.</p><p>JJ.</p><p>Ellie turned to look behind her, feeling her chest tighten like she was a cornered animal. Not too late to leave. No one seems to have spotted her yet. Maybe it would be better...easier if they thought she was dead.</p><p>Instead, she took a deep breath as she had regularly learned to do during the long trek back to Wyoming. </p><p>"One foot in front of the other Ellie, one foot in front of the other."</p><p>She stepped forward and raised her arms in the air, waiting for the soft commotion at the gate that would let her know she had been spotted by the lookouts. She hoped she was recognizable enough not to get shot on sight.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I'll be gone in a day or two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey Hon, we’re about ready to head out if you are!” Robin’s slow but steady southern drawl came in through the second floor window. </p><p>Dina turned slowly from the painting of JJ on the easel to lean out and shout, “I’m wrapping up here, be down in just a minute.”</p><p>Jesse’s parents and siblings along with Maria and Tommy had come by personally to help Dina with the move. She was a bit embarrassed by the whole production. She was uncomfortable with the pitying glances and the way everyone trailed off just short of having to mention Ellie. </p><p>Like they didn't want to speak of the dead.</p><p>Dina shook her head as she leaned down gingerly to wipe some dust off the guitar case on the floor, her fingers pausing at the clasp before standing back up and with one final look, exited and closed the door behind her. The door squeaked loud on the hinges. Ellie had kept saying she would get to oiling them when they first moved in. </p><p>Ellie couldn’t be dead. It hadn’t been that long. Dina had to hold onto hope. Not for the first time, she rubbed her wrist where her Hamsa bracelet used to sit, trying to feel across the distance for a heartbeat beneath where the bracelet was hopefully still tied now. </p><p>The horses were shuffling around outside, loaded up with what remained of their life here, ready to convey them back to Jackson. Jesse’s parents, Robin and Paulina, had offered her a place in their own home so they could help with JJ. But that didn’t feel right to Dina. Instead, they cleared out a small apartment a few blocks away for her and JJ.</p><p>Heavy, uneven, footsteps came up the stairs. Tommy was holding a sleepy JJ in his arms, who offered his mom a big yawn before reaching out toward her with his chubby arms. Dina smiled and took JJ, tucking his fuzzy little head against the crook of her neck.</p><p>Tommy looked sheepish. They hadn’t really had a chance to speak since Ellie left. Dina was surprised to see him with the others when they arrived yesterday to help with the move.</p><p>He glanced over to the closed door where Dina had emerged before looking away to hide that he had been looking at all. </p><p>“Tommy….I really appreciate you coming to help with all this. I know things didn't go very nicely between us the last time we were here with-----the last time we were together.”</p><p>Tommy cleared his throat and rubbed his graying beard. He looked so much older now.</p><p>“Dina. Listen, I’ve been doing an awful lot of thinking ever since you sent us word that Ellie left. I wanted to say I’m sorry for what I did and what I said...to the both of you. I was goddamn outta my own mind with grief. It was harder when I came home and I couldn’t sleep, couldn't eat, kept thinking about Joel. Everything in Jackson brought him up all over again. I drove Maria up the wall, that’s for sure. And when she got tired of my talking, I came and made it yours and Ellie’s problem. If I had a second chance to do it over, I would’ve left well enough alone. Ellie would still be here. I’m an asshole Dina. I know it. Joel….he would’ve never wanted this for her or for any of us….-,” Tommy trailed off softly as JJ began softly snoring in the silence that bloomed.</p><p>Dina didn’t really know what to say. Truth was she was still pissed at Tommy. She thought all the time that if Tommy had never planted the idea of going after Abby again, then everything would’ve been fine. Dina wouldn’t be here packing away what remained of the best almost two years of her life. But Tommy looked so broken down in that moment, Dina couldn’t very well tell him to go fuck himself. </p><p>“I appreciate it Tommy. I do. I think Ellie was really struggling, beyond my capacity to help her. And in the end she made a choice. She chose to go. You didn’t force her to leave. I couldn’t convince her to stay. What’s the point in revisiting that?”</p><p>Tommy nodded, the glint of tears at the corners of his eyes. Dina doesn’t think she had ever seen either of the Miller brothers cry before. He sniffed hard and began making his way back down the stairs.</p><p>“Well come on now. I reckon Maria is gonna come up  here in a rage if we don’t get a move on soon.”</p><p>Dina carefully shifted JJ as she reached down beside the front door for her backpack and swung it over one shoulder. It struck Dina now, almost absurdly, that she should leave a note of some kind for Ellie if….when she came back. Instead she sighed and closed her eyes briefly before closing the door, not bothering to lock it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>God I love Dina so much. Every time Dina and Ellie called each other babe added 10 years to my life. Let's all collectively go back to Seattle Day 1 for a moment and bask in that.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. It's no better to be safe than sorry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Well ain’t you a sight for sore eyes?”</p><p>Maria squeezed Ellie into a tight hug. Ellie was sweaty from the travel and had lost a good deal of weight, more than just two fingers worth at that. The girl felt smaller in Maria’s arms than she had when she was 14.</p><p>Tommy meanwhile, was content just resting a hand on Ellie’s back.</p><p>Ellie appreciated this after the commotion of the last hour. Whatever welcome she had anticipated it hadn’t been this. Everyone was so happy to see her, so happy to have her back. It made her throat tighten as a small crowd at the gate hemmed her in and made her palms sweat. Luckily one of the kids, Ellie had beaned with a snowball before, had run to fetch Maria and Tommy immediately. Turns out they were back living together again. Maybe some things had changed.</p><p>Maria and Tommy had been stunned to see her, but quickly went into action ushering everyone back to their posts and bringing Ellie back to their house. She had a hand wrapped around a warm mug of that shitty coffee that Joel liked. She hadn’t touched a drop during the entire conversation catching Maria and Tommy up to speed. They hadn't pushed her to talk about it, but until she got back to Jackson, she hadn’t realized how much she needed to say it all aloud to someone.</p><p>Maria was lightly holding Ellie’s maimed hand across the dining table. Tommy had his arms crossed in front of his chest, his back leaning against the sink, looking down at the floor.</p><p>“I couldn’t do it. I know I fucked everything up to finish it but I couldn’t in the end. I let her go. I’m sorry Tommy. You were right I am a coward.”</p><p>Tommy slammed a hand down on the wooden dining table, startling all three of time and sending the coffee mug over the table edge where it shattered on the floor.</p><p>Maria jumped up from her seat, “Tommy Miller, what the hell are you doing?”</p><p>Ellie’s chest tightened. She was finding it hard to breathe and the edges of her vision went black as she found herself back on the basement landing of the ski lodge, helplessly banging on the door between her and Joel.</p><p>Noticing this, Maria came to squat by Ellie’s side, “it’s alright now Ellie, stay with us.”</p><p>Tommy for his part looked abashed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to….I don’t think you’re a coward Ellie. I was a damn fool to let those words out of my mouth in the first place. It should’ve ended long before you had to go out to California. I really sent you out there to get yourself killed...for what? All because I was angry at myself. None of this was your fault Ellie, it should’ve never fallen on your shoulders. I’m so sorry Ellie, sorrier than you can know.”</p><p>Ellie’s breathing gradually slowed as she half took in what Maria and Tommy were saying. What snapped her out of her fugue was seeing Tommy openly weep into his hands.</p><p>Maria looked helplessly at him and then back to Ellie, “you must be tired from being on the road. Tell you what, I’ll make up the bed in the guestroom for you. You can go ahead and get cleaned up and settled in. I’ll bring over some food for you a little later. We can talk more tomorrow, alright?”</p><p>Ellie nodded numbly, rising to stand as Maria guided her to her room. Ellie could hear Tommy and Maria quietly whispering to each other for sometime after that. Ellie realized she didn’t mention or ask about Dina and JJ yet, as she drifted into a mercifully dreamless sleep. </p><p>-----------</p><p>Early the next morning, Ellie awoke startled, not recognizing where she was before the previous day came back to her. Maria had come in sometime in the night and left a glass of water and some bread on the bed side table. </p><p>She stretched, slowly and carefully, feeling the pull of the scar on her stomach. She was nervous. She wanted to ask about Dina. She wasn’t even 100% sure that Dina was in Jackson. She didn’t know if Dina would want to see her anyway. Dina had been her best friend. She had never asked Ellie for anything as desperately as she asked her to stay that night. And Ellie couldn’t even give her that. </p><p>It was only beginning to brighten outside. Ellie got dressed in some fresh clothes Maria had also laid out. And headed out the door. This was the best time to be out and about before there were too many people on the streets.</p><p>Ellie made her way to the cemetery and came to a stop at Joel’s gravestone. She sat and curled her legs up underneath her, resting her fingertips on the cold stone.</p><p>“Hey old man. I got your message. Maybe a bit late because you know me, I’m stubborn but I did get it. Thanks. I….Joel….I still don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t think I’m ok. Not yet….Oh! I got something for you.” </p><p>Ellie pulled her journal from her backpack, which had certainly seen better days. “I know I wrote it down here somewhere….ah here we go.” She flipped to a page with a drawing of Joel and Tommy with their arms around each other and text written hastily along the bottom. “Ok, you ready for this one? Hey have you read the book about anti-gravity?”</p><p>Ellie smiled at the gravestone, pausing a beat. “It's impossible to put down!"</p><p>She put the notebook down, “you would’ve liked that one I think. Saw it on a jokebook in Palmdale.” Ellie lapsed into a calm silence.</p><p>“Ellie. Thought I’d find you here,” Tommy rounded the corner and grinned at her.</p><p>“Hey Tommy, sorry to sneak out on you. Just wanted to avoid seeing anyone.”</p><p>“Oh I understand, no apologies necessary. You’re home now, don't gotta explain yourself to me of all people. I just wanted to apologize again, I’m working on controlling my emotions better. But it’s all clearly work in progress.”</p><p>“You...you aren't pissed at me Tommy?”</p><p>Tommy lowered himself awkwardly to sit on the other side of the stone. “No Ellie. I’m not. I can’t tell you how much I….god my heart almost leapt out of my chest when I saw you yesterday. I thought about coming after you when I heard you left but Maria said I wouldn’t make it more than a few miles out with this leg of mine being what it is. Others wanted to go after you too. Dina asked us to drop it. Said if anyone was going to go, it would be her and she was staying put. That put an end to that. That’s all done with now kiddo. You’re back where you belong.”</p><p>Ellie picked absentmindedly at the grass around her. “Where is she? Dina? Is she….I mean would she-?” </p><p>“She ain’t here kiddo.”</p><p>Ellie’s eyes shot up as she got to her feet, “what? Where is she? Is she ok?? Is JJ ok??”</p><p>Tommy put up his hands, “woah, woah, woah. I meant not here right now! She’s been picking up light patrol routes now and again near the creek trail. Should be back within a day or two. JJ is with his grandparents.”</p><p>“She’s been doing patrols again?” Ellie looked out over toward the direction of the creek trails, as if she could strain and make out Dina’s silhouette on the horizon.</p><p>“Yeah. I think Jesse’s parents were making her antsy and she didn’t have enough to keep her occupied so she started going out again. Don’t worry she’s with a group and the trails have been clear for some time. You know you should go see Robin and Paulina in the meantime. I know they would be thrilled to see you….JJ too. God that boy has been getting big, you wouldn’t believe it.” Tommy laughed.</p><p>Ellie smiled sadly. “I don’t think it’s the right time. Not until I talk to Dina first.”</p><p>Tommy stood up, “Yeah I get that kiddo. You take your time, do what you need to do.” He paused briefly, “your place is still as you left it. In case you want a place to post up. I know you don’t want Maria and me cramping your style.”</p><p>“Thanks Tommy. I mean it.”</p><p>“Of course. I really am sorry Ellie for all of it. Joel loved you. He wanted you to live a good life. And you still can, you know?”</p><p>Ellie grabbed her notebook and backpack from the ground. “Yeah, maybe.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Slowly learning that life is okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Ellie. Ellie! Don’t you dare! I am warning you!”</p><p>A slushy, wet snowball caught Dina right on the face, even while her mouth was half open in protest.</p><p>Ellie bent over, hands on her knees as she laughed at Dina’s look of faux anguish. “Hey hot tip, you’re supposed to move out of the way, not meet the snowball face first.”</p><p>Dina scooped out the bits of snowball still clinging to her hair, her scowl melting away at the sound of Ellie’s laugh, even while the cold water dripped down her neck. “Oh very funny. You better watch your back. Payback is a bitch”</p><p>It was early evening after the first major blizzard at the farm since they moved in. The sun was lowering in the sky and the air smelled crisp, bright, and new. Dina loved that smell and had been taking in the view from the porch. Ellie just finished putting JJ down and had snuck up on Dina with nothing more than a “heads up, babe!”</p><p>Ellie came forward to help Dina scoop the snow off of her collar, before wrapping her arms around her waist, clasping her hands across Dina’s stomach. “Ok, ok. I messed up. Truce?”</p><p>“Normally? Hell no. But considering I’m feeling the holiday spirit…..fine. Just this once.” Dina leaned back into the embrace and closed her own hands over Ellie’s. </p><p>They swayed gently together in a peaceful silence, taking in the winter wonderland scenery that surrounded them.</p><p>Ellie pressed a kiss into Dina’s hair, “night three, almost time to light the candles. JJ loves the Menorah so much, I think he’s gonna grow up to be a real firebug.”</p><p>“Ellie, I love you. But no, you are not teaching him how to make molotov cocktails. At least not until he’s 18.”</p><p>Ellie laughed into Dina’s hair. “Fair enough. Wow, this is nice huh?”</p><p>“It’s very nice. You know what else is nice?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“REVENGE!” Dina ducked low, scooped two handfuls of snow into each gloved hand before turning, dumping it on Ellie’s head and booking it for the front door.</p><p>“HEY! So much for the holiday spirit!” Ellie shook out her hair and ran after Dina.</p><p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>“Fuck. It’s getting colder out here, Probably not too far out from the first snow of the season.” Ursula, with her pink dyed braid, had just recently started joining patrols. She stood blowing onto her hands before putting on her gloves. They were only a few hours out from Jackson now and she was eager to get back to her own warm bed.</p><p>Ursula’s mother, Diane, a tough rancher type, was getting the horses out from the garage attached to the ramshackle house they had camped in the night before.</p><p>“Sweetheart, can you at least think of your poor mother and watch the language a little?”</p><p>Ursula spun to help Diane ready the horses. “Sorry mom!”</p><p>Dina came walking up the short driveway with Toby, the heavily bearded and laid back leader of this patrol who enjoyed playing his saxophone at the Tipsy Bison on his nights off.</p><p>“Alright gang, Dina and I did a sweep over the hills and our path back looks pretty clear. Looks like we’ll be able to make it back to Jackson before night fall. Beers at the Bison on me!”</p><p>Dina took the reigns of her horse, Majesty, from Diane with a grateful nod. “I’ll drink if you're buying Toby but Ursula is only 17.”</p><p>“Oh shit, you’re right. Sorry Ursula. Maybe juice instead?”</p><p>“No, all good. What even is a drinking age anyway?  I’ll take a beer!”</p><p>“Ursula…”</p><p>“It was a joke mom!”</p><p>The four of them laughed as they mounted their horses and started down the trail for home.</p><p>Dina rode in the back, rolling her shoulders. She was sore from laying on the living room floor of the house, but it was easier to keep warm if they all stayed in one room with a fire going in the fireplace. The old arrow wound still gave her grief whenever the temperature dropped. Her sleep was fitful. She couldn’t remember if she dreamed, but she did wake up in the middle of the night with her heart pounding and she didn’t know why. </p><p>This had only happened just once before, that early morning when she woke to find Ellie not in bed. This happened every now and again as Ellie had a lot of trouble sleeping through the night and would get up to paint or write instead. But she wasn’t in her work room that morning either. Instead Dina found her in the kitchen packing up her backpack, which she honestly didn’t realize Ellie still kept.</p><p>Dina squeezed her eyes shut to clear her head. No point in doing that. Nothing good comes from rehashing the past. These months in Jackson had done her a lot of good. Robin and Paulina were sweethearts and Jesse’s sisters were a huge help too, even while they were managing their regular duties in the town. But Dina had gotten used to the quiet life she had on the farm with just Ellie and their son. She loved Jesse’s family, always had. But she couldn’t stand them always hovering around on the periphery of her life, worried about her.</p><p>Tommy and Maria had wanted to talk her out of picking up patrol shifts again but they relented at her insistence. At first, it was hard being away for days at a time from JJ. But she knew he was in good hands and it made her feel useful and….normal again to be out and about. And she really needed that. To feel in control of her life, her feelings, and her future.</p><p>The horses slowed up to fjord a small stream and Ursula splashed through, getting some water on her mother. Diane pretended to try and push Ursula off her horse making them both giggle. Toby smiled and hummed a tune from his place in the lead.</p><p>Her future.</p><p>Thinking about the future is a funny thing when you’re living post global catastrophe. It’s impossible to see very far ahead. So it’s safest just to take things day by day. She could never have imagined that in her early twenties she would be a mom. Or that she would be the only one of her friend group to still be alive.</p><p>No. That might not be true. Or maybe it is. What would be the easier outcome to accept? She didn’t know. Best just to take things a day at a time. No past. No future. Only today.</p><p>She would go home. Get cleaned up. Check up on JJ at his grandparents. Go get a beer with everyone at the Bison. Eat the amazing sandwich that Seth makes for her every time she’s there, no questions asked. Go to bed. Then face the next day and the next. It’ll be okay.</p><p>“Home sweet home. Ladies get a move on!” They followed Toby out of the treeline and into the valley. The gates were already opening up. They rode through, greeting the early evening watch. Dina dismounted neatly, and came around to pat Majesty gently on his nose.</p><p>“Dina?”</p><p>Dina looked up to see Jesse’s dad, Robin, waiting for her as he reached out to take the horse's reins from her hands. He was tall, handsome, and clean shaven. Same shaggy hair as Jesse and the same soft smile.</p><p>“Robin? Is everything okay? JJ-?”</p><p>“Yes, hon. He’s with Lina…..I just wanted to catch you and be the one to tell you as soon as possible. Maria and Tommy came by yesterday….hon…..Ellie’s back.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. But I'll be stumbling away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie had spent all yesterday after the cemetery in her old house. It was still mostly the way she had left it. She hadn’t taken much with her to the farm besides some clothes and her guitar. And nothing from the farm had come back with her. </p><p>Maria had come by to drop off meals at midday but other than that she had been left to her own devices. Maria had said she would be stopping by to say hello to Jesse’s parents and wanted to know if Ellie wanted to be mentioned in that conversation. Ellie had known Robin and Lina since she had first come to Jackson. You couldn’t be friends with Jesse and not also be adored by his parents. Over the past few years, Robin and Lina had been a pretty constant part of her and Dina’s life. She knew it was hard for them when she and Dina moved away with their grandson, but they were supportive nonetheless even while hoping they would change their mind and settle down in Jackson after all. </p><p>“...Yeah. Yes, I think that would be a good idea. They’re good people. I don’t want to end up surprising them.”</p><p>“Ok, I’ll let them know you’re back and need some space for the moment.” Maria paused setting out food containers to look up at Ellie, “Dina and her patrol are expected back tonight…...you want her to know you’re back too?”</p><p>Ellie took a step back and crossed her arms. “I….I don’t know.”</p><p>Maria walked over and put her hands on her adopted niece’s shoulders, giving them a gentle squeeze.</p><p>“I know you’ve been through hell. I know this is just the beginning of an uphill climb. But there are some things you need to get certain about Ellie. I know why you really came back and it wasn’t for me and Tommy.”</p><p>Ellie shrugged off Maria’s hands, “I’m not sure I should have come back at all. I don’t want to cause any problems. I know I was the one that walked away.”</p><p>“Listen to me,” Maria took a deep breath and straightened her back, a sure sign she was shifting into “tough love” mode. “You, Joel, and Tommy are truly cut from the same cloth. There’s no hard thing y’all wouldn’t do for someone you love, but asking y’all to talk about how you really feel is like pulling teeth all the goddamn time. You know things between Tommy and me weren’t great. He was broken after Joel. I wanted to help him. You never want to see someone you love in pain like that. You wish you could take it all away, you would be willing to take the pain for yourself to spare them. But he wouldn’t talk to me, didn’t want to work through it. He wanted to handle it his own way and then he went to Seattle. I honestly did think he was going to die out there. I was so grateful when y’all brought him back.” </p><p>Maria sighed deeply, rubbing her temples with her hands. “I thought, ‘now here’s the chance to get it right with us.’ But then he couldn’t let it alone and he didn’t want help. He pushed me away and kept pushing. The only thing he could talk about was that girl and finding her and ending it. For him, peace couldn’t be real for him while she was alive and Joel wasn’t. I know it was more than rage, it was guilt. He was in so much pain, he couldn’t see out of that tunnel. But that’s when I kicked him out of the house. I told him to think long and hard about what he wanted. About what could still be saved in his life. Instead of doing that, that damned fool tried to drag you down with him. When he came home from visiting you and went on a tirade about your conversation. I told him, ‘Tommy. You’re an idiot. That used to be endearing about you but now you don’t care who you hurt. Ellie was right to turn you down, she’s got a life worth staying alive for, and you don’t understand that. There’s never an end to it. When will it be enough for you?’ Then I didn’t speak to him for weeks. Until Dina sent word you had left. And Tommy thought about Dina and JJ on that farm. He saw the look on my face.  He knew what he risked losing and he knew what he pushed you to risk too. By then it was too late to stop you. He had to wait like the rest of us to see whether you would make it back. He spent a lot of time at Joel’s grave. He had a lot of time to think about what he did, and what Joel would have wanted for him to do.”</p><p>Maria came to stand in front of Ellie again. This time not touching her. “So you see I know a thing or two about how Dina might be feeling. I’ve been through her side of it in a way. Even when I was so angry at Tommy that I couldn’t see straight, even when he walked away from the life we built together, there was never a day I didn’t pray he would come home safe. There was never a day I didn’t pray that he would come to his senses and come back to me. Forgiving him was doable, but he had to make a choice. He had to decide whether he could forgive himself enough to come back. Now you got to decide too Ellie. You’re the only one who can.”</p><p>Then she nodded at Ellie and she left. Ellie stared at the closed door for some time, Maria’s words sat like a lead weight in her stomach.<br/>
-----------------------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Dina felt like she might throw up. </p><p>“Dina, you going to be alright? What do you need right now?” Robin had walked with Dina to the stables and helped get Majesty settled for the night. Dina not saying a word the whole time and Robin’s eyebrows drawn down in concern.</p><p>“Dina?”</p><p>“Yeah. I mean no. I’m good. I don’t need anything. Thanks Robin for letting me know, you should head home. I’ll pick JJ up in the morning.”</p><p>“You sure hon? I don’t know if you should be alone right now.” </p><p>“I think I do need to be alone right now actually. If you don’t mind.”</p><p>“Of course not. We’ll see you in the morning then.” Robin gave Dina a tight hug, opened his mouth to say something, but decided against it and walked off.</p><p>Dina felt like she was moving in slow motion. The night was just starting in Jackson. Kids were still running around. The main square was full of people walking and chatting and living. Many of them greeted Dina and she smiled back on auto-pilot. After 15 minutes, she realized she had just been walking in a large  circle around the square. No one seemed to notice, or if they did they were polite enough not to say anything to her about it. Surrounded by people, Dina felt cold and alone. </p><p>Ok. So Ellie was back, Robin didn’t have many details but Ellie was back. She was alive. That had always been a possibility. In fact, it was the best possible outcome. No, the best outcome would have been if Ellie never left. So this was the second best outcome. Until now, Dina had been living in limbo. A Schrodinger's Ellie situation. Dina didn’t want to think about it too closely, so Ellie was simultaneously dead and alive while she refused to think about it. And that was the way Dina had been living. </p><p>Now the box had burst open and dropped Ellie in Jackson, alive. Dina should be ecstatic. She should be jumping for joy. She should be, she could be running straight to Ellie’s place right now and be there in just a few minutes. Instead, she was being a weirdo and circling the town square, clenching and unclenching her fists. Her rifle was really starting to dig into her side and it was getting colder all the while. She should just go home. She needed sleep and to heat up water for a long bath. She could close the box and leave it for another day. For as many days as she wanted to be honest. Forever really, if she wanted to.</p><p>Resolved, she broke out of the circle pattern and started toward home. Except, her body and brain were not communicating. Her brain was saying “let’s go home” but her body was walking and then jogging and then sprinting toward Ellie’s.<br/>
--------------------------</p><p> </p><p>Ellie was sitting on the couch, jiggling her leg up and down and pulling at the fabric of the finger less glove that she wore on her left hand to cover her recent bite mark. The sun was down. By Jackson protocol that means Dina’s patrol should have returned. Maybe she should wait until tomorrow, or a few days, or something. She was sure Dina would find out she was back in town sooner rather than later. Gossip travels fast. There was no hiding from this. But Maria was right, Ellie didn’t come back to sit in the house. She came back to see Dina. And maybe Dina would not want to see her. Maybe Dina would want her to leave. That was why Ellie hadn’t unpacked anything. She would be ready to leave at a moment's notice. But that was not tonight. Tonight, she still had to choose. Ellie jumped up and headed for the door, pulling it open and staring right at a red faced Dina, her hand up and poised to knock.</p><p>Neither of them spoke. Dina panting out clouds of warm breath between them as they held each other’s gaze. </p><p>Ellie’s mouth was dry and her heart was pounding. “Dina.”</p><p>Hearing her name seemed to instantly snap Dina out of her stupor. “Actually fuck this. Fuck you.” Dina pivoted on her heels and turned to leave.</p><p>“Dina! Wait! Please Wait!” Ellie’s hands instinctively reached out toward Dina’s retreating figure, but she pulled them back down to her sides as Dina spoke without turning around, in an almost whisper Ellie had to strain to hear.</p><p>“That’s the problem Ellie. I wait. All I do is wait. Wait for you to get over Cat. Wait for you to notice me. Wait for you to kiss me. I thought I was done waiting. I was going to go after what I wanted. Go to the ends of the earth with you if need be. Then I went back to waiting. For you to talk to me. For you to let me in. I wasn’t doing that again. I told you that. I couldn’t do that again.”</p><p>“Dina….I-”</p><p>Dina did turn to look at Ellie now. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, but Dina’s voice did not quiver or break.</p><p>“No. I have been thinking about what I would say to you over the past few months and now I’m going to say what I’m going to say and you’re going to listen and WAIT for me to finish.”</p><p>A long silence followed. </p><p>“Um...ok..yeah go ahead.” Ellie said hesitantly after a few beats.</p><p>“Ugh, I am so pissed at you. Now I can’t remember what I was going to say. Fuck you honestly.” Dina threw her hands up into the air but didn’t walk away which Ellie thought was promising.</p><p>There was a kind of desperate panic in Dina’s eyes as her anguish boiled over. Ellie had seen this look before when a Runner had cracked her gas mask in Seattle and she had taken it off to stop Dina from trying to share her mask. It was a kind of helpless rage and fear and confusion all mixed together. Ellie remembered being shaken by that and she was shaken by it now. Dina was such a steady and solid presence in Ellie’s life. Even when they were kids. Dina was always funny, witty, and sweet. She was not an easy person to rile up. And Ellie had riled up Dina to this extent, not once but twice now.</p><p>“It’s freezing out here, do you want to come inside?”</p><p>Dina scoffed at this, “no Ellie. I don’t want to come inside. I want to go home. I’m tired. I don’t know why I’m here. I just---” Dina trailed off as her eyes glanced down at Ellie’s hand with the two fingers missing. The wound had led to a nasty infection and had finally healed but with jagged edges. It mostly didn’t bother Ellie much anymore, except occasionally she thought she could still feel the fingers there. </p><p>Dina wrapped her arms around herself, though not entirely due to the cold. “Ellie, do you know how hard it is to watch someone you love run themselves ragged. Just through the meat grinder, over and over? You’ve suffered. I can see that. You’ve been suffering, And I’m sorry. I didn’t want that for you. I know you needed help but we could have found you that help. Here. With me. With our son. But that wasn’t enough. I’m looking at you now. So fucking happy to see you alive, but I have to wonder did you find what you were looking for? Was it worth it?”</p><p>Ellie stepped back closer to the doorway. “...No. It wasn’t worth it. No. I didn’t find what I was looking for. You’re right. It was never out there. I wouldn’t have known, couldn’t have known that until I did the stupid fucking thing and left. I had to face that. Do the hard thing before I realized. I wanted to fix me, so I could be the person I wanted to be for you and JJ. Someone worth caring about.”</p><p>Dina wiped roughly at her eyes with her coat sleeve and looked down sadly at the ground. “Then you still don’t get it. This was the hard thing Ellie. This was it. It’s the hardest thing in the world. Just the everyday messiness of loving someone, fucking it up from time to time, and trying to make it better. It’s easy to leave. It’s easy to take it out on someone else, to make someone pay for the hurt, it’s easy to destroy. It’s hard to stay, to build, to be with someone who sees you at your worst and still wants to grow and heal with you. You are not the only one in this. You don’t get to decide for other people if they are allowed to care about you. You can’t control that. You can’t control any of this. You can’t shoot it or fight it. That’s why it’s hard. That’s why it was worth doing. That’s why you should’ve stayed.”</p><p>“I should’ve. I’m sorry Dina. I should’ve stayed. I love you and JJ. I thought about turning around and coming home everyday. I ruined the only good thing, the best thing in my life. And I know I can’t ask for forgiveness or to go back to the way things were. If you never want to see me again-” Ellie’s voice did break and quiver, but no tears came. “If you never want to see me again, I’ll go. I swear. When you weren’t at the farm...I just needed to make sure you and JJ were ok. I don’t want to push my way back in your lives.”</p><p>Dina breathed deeply. Her tears had dried and she had calmed. “I don’t want you to go Ellie. That’s never changed. The question has always been, ‘do you really want to stay’? Don’t talk to me again until you really work through that and have a good answer. Not for my sake, but your own. Good night Ellie.” </p><p>This time, Ellie was the one watching as the woman she loved turned her back on her and walked away.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. I don't know what I'm to say</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“...what do you say kiddo? Just like we practiced?” Joel was handing over his guitar while casually sitting on a tree stump in front of the bonfire. The wrinkles at the corner of his eyes were deep as he smiled over at her.</p><p>Ellie tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, pointedly trying to ignore the polite attention of everyone around them falling on her. It was the annual Summer Fest week bonfire in the town square. One of Cat’s favorite events of the year actually. Luckily, Cat stayed home for this one. Ellie had nervously scanned the crowd for her upon arrival. This was for the best to be honest. The breakup had been almost a month ago now but had been hard for both of them, particularly for Cat all things considered. First relationships were rough.</p><p>Cat had said something ugly that had started Ellie down a dark path of thinking about the hospital again and the questions that she still had that Joel never seemed to have answers for. Ultimately, Cat and Ellie had decided to keep their distance from each other for the foreseeable future. That was pretty hard in a small town like Jackson and news had traveled fast. Even Joel had heard and had gamely been trying to cheer her up in his own way, suggesting she come to the bonfire. Ellie had been hesitant but then Dina, who had been kind of unavailable over the last few months, had come by personally to ask Ellie to come tonight and Ellie had a hard time turning Dina down.</p><p>They had all been sitting down together. Ellie, Dina, and Jesse enjoying glasses of iced tea while Joel played a few songs at Tommy’s request.</p><p>Ellie looked from Joel to the guitar, then back to Joel. Ellie had only played with Joel in their practice sessions. She didn’t even play for Cat, though she asked. Performing for an audience made her nervous.</p><p>“Nah, I’m ok just listening. You go ahead Joel.”</p><p>Dina nudged her lightly in the side, “wait I’ve never heard you play Ellie, you should do it.”</p><p>“Yeah! Go on, let’s see if these secret practice sessions have paid off.” Jesse was talking to Ellie but looking at Dina, he usually backed her play and this time was no different. Ellie suddenly felt annoyed at both of them, but she wasn’t entirely sure why. </p><p>Dina was still looking meaningfully at her.</p><p>“Ok fine, but just to shut you both up.” </p><p>Joel chuckled as Ellie took the guitar from his hands. She strummed lightly and tuned the instrument, before flexing her fingers and beginning to play the opening notes of the song that Joel had most recently taught her.</p><p>Ellie took a slow breath and opened her mouth slightly, her tongue kept sticking to the roof of her mouth from nerves as more people including Maria had gathered around. </p><p>We're talking away<br/>
I don't know what<br/>
I'm to say I'll say it anyway<br/>
Today's another day to find you<br/>
Shying away<br/>
I'll be coming for your love, okay?</p><p>Ellie closed her eyes, letting the crowd fall away and just leaning into the way the music felt as Joel’s voice joined in perfect harmony.</p><p>Take on me<br/>
Take me on<br/>
I'll be gone<br/>
In a day or two<br/>
So needless to say<br/>
I'm odds and ends<br/>
But I'll be stumbling away<br/>
Slowly learning that life is okay<br/>
Say after me<br/>
It's no better to be safe than sorry</p><p>Joel quieted and watched with a smile as Ellie finished out the last notes of the song.</p><p>Take on me<br/>
Take me on<br/>
I'll be gone<br/>
In a day or two</p><p>There was a silence filled pause around the fire before everyone erupted in applause. Ellie looked up, surprised and started laughing as Joel patted her on the back.</p><p>“Nice going, good to see you were paying attention after all.”</p><p>Ellie handed the guitar back to Joel. Jesse hooted and hollered Ellie’s name as he got up to refill their drinks. Then it was only her and Dina, who was looking back at Ellie with a look in her eyes that Ellie couldn’t identify. The reflection of the shifting flames around them made Dina look as if she was glowing. The crackle of the fire was the only sound. Dina reached out to take Ellie’s hand in her own and gave it a squeeze. Something that felt like electricity shot up Ellie’s spine.</p><p>Wildly, Ellie thought about closing the gap between them and kissing Dina. But they were just friends. Best friends. The wound from Cat was still raw. There was a moment of possibility suddenly alive between them and then just like that the spell was broken. Jesse returned with their drinks and Dina looked at Ellie for only a moment before looking away. Joel began playing another song.</p><p>Dina was distracted and quiet the rest of the night before letting Jesse walk her home.</p><p>Now, Joel was walking with Ellie back toward their homes.</p><p>“You did real well tonight Ellie. That was--well we could’ve been quite the duo on stage in a different life.”</p><p>“Hm? Oh yeah, thanks. Not so bad yourself, not a dry eye in the house.” Ellie had been looking down at the ground lost in thought.</p><p>“Well I don’t know about all that….but I uh...certainly noticed you had an admirer of your own tonight.”</p><p>“Joel, we’ve covered this. There is nothing going on between me and Jesse. We’re just good friends. Stop making it weird.”</p><p>Joel chuckled and cleared his throat, “no I uh. Well I don’t mean to speculate. You’re right in that I tend to be far from the mark on these things, but uh I was referring to Dina.”</p><p>Ellie’s head snapped up, eyes wide. “Dina? No, she...No. We're just friends too. And I think she likes Jesse and there’s something with them. No.” Leave it to Joel to read into every interaction Ellie has with a girl after he found out about her and Cat being together. “Definitely not. Nope. I love Dina but it’s not like that. Way off base old man, per usual.”</p><p>“Alright well. You’re probably right. I just figured you know. Dina’s a nice girl and you’re a nice girl. And the two of you together that would be….well…”</p><p>“Nice?” Ellie finished for him with a grin.</p><p>“Well, yeah. Anyway you know what I mean Ellie. No use wasting time you know? If you liked her I mean.”</p><p>Ellie groaned and dragged a hand down her face. “Can we please talk about something else, anything else?”</p><p>Joel nodded and lapsed into silence. And they walked together, enjoying the warm summer air.</p><p>Ellie got to her place. “Hey Joel?”</p><p>“Yeah kiddo?”</p><p>“Thanks for tonight. I really needed this.”</p><p>“Of course, glad you had a good time.” Joel scratched sheepishly at the back of his neck. “I didn’t mean to overstep with Dina. It’s your life. Just hope you know….you deserve to be happy.”</p><p>Ellie paused. The thought came unbidden to her ‘was this life her life? Did she deserve to be happy’ What was it exactly Cat had said to her?</p><p>“I don't ever know what’s going on with you. I just wish you would talk to me about it. It’s like you’re not here with me even when you are here. I’m so tired of this. You know what Ellie? No one is ever going to be good enough for you. You’re never going to be happy because you don’t want to be.  Admit it, you want to be alone. You certainly don’t want to be here with me. You only care about yourself and you don’t care how you hurt anyone else!”</p><p>Was Cat right about her? Did Ellie want to be unhappy? To be alone? Why was it still this hard to find meaning in anything she was doing?</p><p>Steeling herself around what she knew she needed to do to finally settle these questions, she threw an arm around Joel’s neck and gave him an awkward side hug. Joel stiffened a bit before squeezing her back.</p><p>“Good night, Joel.”</p><p>“Oh uh right. Have a good night, Ellie. See you in the morning.”</p><p>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>Ellie stood up slowly cracking her back and taking a look around her house. </p><p>“Not too shabby Ellie.” She admired her mural of a painted Jackson skyline at sunset on one living room wall and a new shelf holding the items that Tommy and her had fetched from the farm last week.</p><p>She had taken time over the past three weeks to settle in a little more and reorganize her space to make it feel more like a home. The day after that conversation with Dina, Ellie had gone to have dinner with Maria and Tommy. She caught them up and told them of her intentions to stay for the time being and wanted to make herself useful in the meantime. Tommy had suggested patrol duty but Maria had lightly swatted him on the arm.</p><p>“I think it’s best to give Dina her space. And patrolling has been her thing. Even placing them on separate rotations with separate teams is going to be a bit too messy. Sorry, Ellie but you understand. Patrols are the worst place to have people being upset at each other.”</p><p>“No, I think that’s right. I would rather do something else if there is room for me.”</p><p>Tommy tapped his foot as he thought about it. “Tell you what. We’ve been putting up some new buildings and fixing up old ones on the west side of Jackson as more people are coming in. I could talk to Janice about whether there’s room on her crew.”</p><p>“Janice...Jesse’s older sister Janice??? I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”</p><p> “Why not? If you’re fixing to stay, you’ll have to be out and about with folks anyway. No way around it I’m afraid and Janice is good people. But keep in mind she won’t let you slack just because she likes you.” Maria finished by refilling Ellie’s plate for the third time. Ellie had lost a good deal of weight in the past couple months from non-stop traveling and then getting wounded and sick. Maria had been on a mission to help Ellie fill out, but her appetite still wasn’t able to keep up with Maria’s portions. </p><p>Ellie pushed the plate away with a weak smile, “....I guess it’s a start.”</p><p>Tommy clapped his hands together lightly, “well alright then. That’s decided. Now who wants some dessert?”</p><p>Two days later, Ellie had shown up bright and early to an almost completed two-story family home. There was a push to wrap up current projects before the snow hit so Janice immediately sent word that there was room on the build crew. Janice was a short and jovial woman with her hair in a long black braid pinned back into a neat bun. She had picked up the carpentry trade from her father, Robin. Janice was also heavily pregnant, catching Ellie by surprise when she jogged up to the site and Janice spun around and pulled Ellie into a tight hug. Then it was down to business.</p><p>“Ellie! I was so excited to hear you wanted to join the build crew. We could really use you. I’m mostly on supervision duty these days on account of this situation.” She gestured to her protruding stomach. “Anyway, we can get you caught up quick enough. Any woodworking experience to speak of? Keep in mind it’s ok if you don’t, plenty of other work to go around.”</p><p>“Um. A little? I know some basics, cutting, sanding, shaping. But it’s been a while since I’ve done any of that.” Well there was the slightly lumpy wooden T-rex Ellie had made for JJ but she didn’t think that was the best example of her skills.</p><p>“A little is better than what most people here are working with. It’s my lucky day! Let’s introduce you around and put you to work.”</p><p>That first day went pretty fast, people were nice but mostly too busy to chit chat and Ellie preferred it that way. Janice was warm and kind in that way that Ellie always remembered she was when she was younger. At midday, Ellie realized she had forgotten to pack a lunch.</p><p>Janice sidled up slowly and ponderously next to Ellie at a bench and split her PB and J with her.</p><p>“Sorry about the offering, but it’s been the only thing I want to eat these days. Drives my husband up the wall. But hey, he can’t complain since I’m doing the heavy lifting.” She laughed around a mouthful of sandwich.</p><p>Ellie took a small bite out of her half to be nice, but the truth was her stomach was tied into a knot. Jesse’s family had really taken everything in stride after Seattle. But she wasn’t sure they would be as forgiving about her walking out on Dina and JJ.</p><p>“You can relax Ellie. I’m not here to chew you out. I’m also not going to lie and say the family had an easy time with you leaving. But that was less about being mad at you and more being mad that we were going to lose another member of the family. And you are family Ellie, not for Dina’s sake or Jesse’s or JJ’s but for your own sake. And as a whole we aren’t the type to hold grudges.” Janice popped the remainder of the sandwich into her mouth and again slowly began to rise from the seat.</p><p>Ellie offered her arm and Janice smiled at her gratefully as she used it to get herself up. </p><p>“It’s not the way we would have wanted it to happen, but we’re really glad all three of you are back in Jackson. It’s been good to have everyone close through this pregnancy. Oh by the way,  I know my parents would love to host you for dinner sometime soon when you’re ready, no pressure.”</p><p>“...Yeah, I would like that. Thanks Janice.”</p><p>“Yeah yeah, enough chit chat. Ready to get back at it?”</p><p>And so the past three weeks went by. Working on the crew during the day, sprucing up her space at night. Then the snow came in and the build crew wrapped for the season. In the downtime, Ellie had started trying to relearn the guitar left handed. It was painstaking and Ellie got frustrated more often than not. But it kept her busy most nights. It was strange, sometimes she completely forgot she no longer had those fingers and sometimes she could swear she felt bone deep pain in the missing digits. An invisible ache she could do nothing to ease, but which was no less real to her. She hoped it wouldn't be like this for the rest of her life.</p><p>After working up the courage, she had even gone for dinner at Robin and Lina’s (while Dina had JJ at her home of course). It was very awkward but that was mostly on Ellie. Instead of forcing her to talk, they told family stories. Including stories about Jesse as a kid. It came as easily to them as it did to Dina, keeping the spark of memory alive for someone you loved and holding them only in the light. Even while Ellie was sitting at the table and their beloved son and brother was not. Even though he came to help her but she was the one that made it back.</p><p>They were such a normal family. As normal as any family could be in this world. Being around them made her feel almost normal too. That was nice. They made forgiveness seem so simple, so solid. Like it could be sitting on this table next to the dinner rolls, tempting and abundant.  All Ellie had to do was take some when it came around the table to her. But she was the one that kept passing it along without partaking.</p><p>Ellie went for a lot of  long walks. Down the main square, through side trails, and in the cemetery. She would catch Tommy there some nights and they would just sit together, at first in companionable silence and then starting to trade stories about Joel before walking home together. They even grabbed a beer at the Bison together a few days ago.</p><p>Dina had come in later with a bearded man with a saxophone case, an older woman with weathered deep brown skin, and a younger woman with dyed pink hair that looked a lot like the woman. </p><p>They had made eye contact and for a moment Ellie thought Dina might leave, but instead Dina nodded at her and walked to the far side of the bar with her friends.</p><p>Ellie had been doing a lot of reading, writing, and thinking. She gave Dina a wide berth, respecting the directive that Dina had given her. Dina hadn’t promised anything and Ellie expected nothing. Still there was a chance and if there was a chance she had to try and take it. But Ellie still hadn’t fully trusted herself to take that chance as of yet. If there was only one chance and it was one more than she deserved, she didn’t want to fuck it up. Again.</p><p>She hadn’t had a panic attack since her first day back. Her appetite had been improving, thanks in large part to the hard labor she put in everyday and various people making sure to drop off meals because Ellie was still pretty hopeless in the kitchen. She had gotten stronger from the build crew and her sore and tired body had allowed her to sleep more than she had in some time. Progress. Slow and often tedious, but progress nonetheless. </p><p>Ellie picked up a picture frame from the shelf. It was the sketch of Joel that she had gifted to him. Her own messy handwriting along the bottom. </p><p>Grief is a tricky thing. You spend so much time struggling to try to get out from under the weight of it, you forget it can become a thing you carry. A force you can’t shake off because you want to hold onto it. It’s easier to continue to bear it then to try and cast it away, then at least you still have a piece of the person that you lost. It may be a jagged and distorted piece, it may wound you as long as you have it, but it’s still better than nothing. Better than letting go because then it feels like betrayal, to try and move on when the person who is gone can never have a future. </p><p>Ellie put the frame gently back on the shelf, next to other framed drawings she took out from her journal of Jesse, Dina, JJ, Maria, Tommy, Joel, Cat, and Riley.</p><p>Her hand hovered over the next item on the shelf. It was a weathered and yellowed folded piece of paper sitting under a carved wooden horse that she had saved from Joel’s workshop. Ellie carefully unfolded it to read it even though she already knew the contents by heart:</p><p>The thing that you always have to remember is that life is worth living! Find your purpose and fight for it. I see so much strength in you. I know you’ll turn out to be the woman you’re meant to be.</p><p>Forever...your loving mother</p><p>Anna</p><p>Make me proud, Ellie!</p><p>-------</p><p>Ellie slipped the piece of paper into the breast pocket of her clean blue flannel shirt and headed out the door. She needed to see Dina.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. I'll be coming for your love, okay?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ellie’s fist hovered in midair for a beat and then two beats. Maybe this was too hasty. People walking by were definitely looking at her being weird on Dina’s porch. </p><p>Fuck it.</p><p>Ellie knocked once, entirely too quietly, her hand barely grazing the door. Maybe Dina wasn’t home anyway, but she mustered up the courage to knock two more times, sturdier raps on the hardwood of the door.</p><p>After a moment, she could hear feet approaching the door and opening it. Dina had her hair up in a messy bun, her eyes widening ever so slightly at finding Ellie at her door before schooling her features down to a look of neutral curiosity. </p><p>“....Ellie.” Not a question or a greeting, just a statement. That’s how Dina would say her name whenever she wanted to tell her something but hadn’t quite gathered her thoughts. That made Ellie’s shoulders drop a little, melting under the soft intimacy of knowing Dina’s quirks were still the same.</p><p>“Hey Dina. I was hoping we could talk?” Ellie instinctively took a half step back away from Dina while waiting for her response. Not wanting to crowd her and not wanting to fall into the orbit of of Dina now they were in such close proximity. Ellie imagined a magnet in her rib cage reacting to a corresponding magnet in Dina. </p><p>Dina rubbed a hand slowly across the back of her neck, loosening a curl of hair that fell on her cheek. She looked measuredly at Ellie and then looked back inside, weighing the meaning of letting Ellie inside the home that she had built just for her and JJ, inside a life that had been carefully drawn around the howling void of Ellie’s absence. </p><p>“I don’t know if this... is the right time Ellie. I just put JJ down for a nap upstairs.”</p><p>Ellie let out a soft exhale, casting her gaze to the second floor window where she figured JJ’s room was since he loved watching the sunlight streaming in when he woke up. She could picture his little face drooling as he slept. A dull ache bloomed in her chest.</p><p>“Yeah. I get that. Um I was just hoping to talk about…..did... did I ever tell you about this time me and Joel met these two brothers named Sam and Henry?” Ellie finished with a slight wince, not quite prepared for how hard that train of thought had hit her.</p><p>Dina’s posture and expression softened suddenly. “No, you haven’t told me that one. You….you didn’t like to talk about Joel or your life before Jackson very much.”</p><p>“Right. You’re right.  I can come back some other time, but I wanted to talk about it...with you. All of it.  If you...if that was ok.”</p><p>Dina had a sad smile on her face as she stepped out to lean on the door frame. “Wow. I’ve definitely imagined hearing you say those words to me before but I didn’t think I would actually get to hear you say them.”</p><p>“Sorry. I can go.”</p><p>“No, Ellie, stop. I'm just messing with you.” Dina stepped back into her doorway. “Well, don’t keep me waiting.” She walked inside, leaving the door open, and throwing Ellie the slightest grin.</p><p>Ellie realized there was a smile on her face too as she followed Dina inside and closed the door behind them.<br/>
---------------------------------------------------------------------------</p><p>“Anyway….that’s why I was so pissed at Joel that night and stormed out on you after the dance. And that last conversation was what was running through my head when I….when I almost...when I wanted to kill Abby. It was so vivid. I guess I was pretty far gone from my wounds but I can’t shake it, how clear that memory was. And Abby was there willing to die for that kid and it made it all mixed up in my head. I thought about Joel taking me out of that hospital and what he must have been thinking and how angry I still was at him making that decision for the both of us and then lying to me about it.”</p><p>Dina had her legs curled up beneath her on one end of the couch. Ellie was sitting on the other side, leaning forward, her hands in her lap. She was tugging at her glove again. </p><p>“Although I guess I knew it. I knew the moment I woke up in the back of the car. That’s silly isn’t it? That it wasn’t just about wanting to hurt her for what she did to him. It was about her taking a choice away from me. The choice to move forward and maybe one day...to have been able to forgive Joel.”</p><p>Dina shifted her feet onto the floor, moving to sit a little closer to Ellie but being conscious of not getting too close. She shook her head.</p><p>“No, I don't think that’s silly Ellie. It makes a lot of sense actually. You’ve had a hard life, with very little control over it. And that’s complicated. So much more complicated than I even knew. I think it’s possible to hold all those things at once. That you loved Joel, that he hurt you, that you were mad at him, and that you haven’t forgiven him because you expected him to be around to be angry with for a long time as part of the journey to forgiveness. And now that’s left unfinished because he’s gone. I’m so sorry Ellie. Thank you for telling me.  I know this must have been hard. Thank you for trusting me enough to let me know him and know you. Now, I know he helped bring you home too.”</p><p>Ellie smiled and relaxed her hands, “he really did. That crazy old man. You know he kinda gave us his blessing? That night at the bonfire, he thought for sure there was something going on between us. I was convinced it was just one-sided on my part.”</p><p>“Wow. I’m learning even more about Joel. Can’t believe he was more perceptive than you!”</p><p>“How was I supposed to know?! You and Jesse had been chummy all night and then you two started dating a few weeks later.”</p><p>“Yeah, duh. I thought you weren’t interested after that night or that you weren’t over Cat. Which was understandable. But I figured I needed to move on either way. You were clueless Ellie, honestly clueless. Still are.”</p><p>They had scooted closer together almost imperceptibly.</p><p>Ellie nudged Dina in the ribs, “what do you think it would have been like if I had kissed you that night?”</p><p>“I don’t know Ellie. I guess I think in the scheme of things, it wouldn’t have been the right time for us then.”</p><p>“I guess you’re right, I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.”</p><p>“I know that if you had kissed me then, I definitely would have followed you with Joel after you just took off that time. Maybe you would’ve told me and let me come with you. I would've been there with you, either way.”</p><p>“Yeah. I know you would have. Dina, listen I-”</p><p>They both looked up as JJ began wailing upstairs.</p><p>Dina jumped off the couch, “oh shit, someone’s up from his nap. I’m going to get him.”</p><p>“Should I go?”</p><p>“Don’t you dare!” Dina shouted down as she jogged up the stairs. </p><p>Ellie wiped her sweaty palms down her jeans. She glanced around nervously, eyes falling on an old illustrated book resting under the glass coffee table.</p><p>The Root Child. The words were worn. This book was obviously well-loved. There was a watercolor drawing of a boy half-turning into a tree on the cover.  </p><p>She heard JJ cooing before she saw him, cradled in the crook of Dina’s elbow. He had almost his whole hand in his mouth and was drooling happily all over it. </p><p>What if he cried when he saw her? He probably didn’t remember her. That’s how babies' brains worked at this age right? Out of sight, out of mind?</p><p>JJ did turn his eyes on her, even cocking his head slightly to observe her. He didn’t cry but neither did he put his hands out for her the way he used to. </p><p>Dina looked at Ellie’s stricken face, “do you want to hold him?”</p><p>“Could I?”</p><p>“Of course.” Dina walked over to Ellie’s side of the couch and lowered JJ into her waiting arms. Ellie held him up before her with his little legs resting on her knees. He was wearing a onesie covered in red rocket ships. Ellie had gotten that for him.</p><p>He continued to chew on his fist, unbothered by the change. He reached out his other hand to gingerly grab at Ellie’s nose making her laugh.</p><p>Dina laughed too from next to them on the couch. She was resting one hand on Ellie’s knee.</p><p>JJ had Dina’s smile and her ears. But the rest of him was all Jesse. In the time that Ellie had been gone, the resemblance had only become more obvious. Looking into JJ’s warm, mischievous eyes was just like looking into his father’s.</p><p>Ellie was looking at Jesse. They were both soaking wet, standing in the ruins of a grey building. Beyond, the sound of a brewing storm was all around them. </p><p>“I really hope you make it.” Jesse gives Ellie a hard look before turning away.</p><p>Ellie was shaking. Tears were pouring down her face. Every muscle in her body was tense. It took her a moment to notice that the sharp, keening noise was coming from her own mouth. It felt like her body was finally shaking something loose that had been lodged deep within her.</p><p>JJ was still calmly looking into her eyes, his tiny palm resting against her cheek.</p><p>Ellie felt more than saw Dina throw her arms around them both. Squeezing tight, steadying them. Strong, solid Dina.</p><p>“I’m here Ellie. I’m here.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Take On Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Take on me<br/>Take me on<br/>I'll be gone<br/>In a day or two</p><p>Ellie lowered the guitar into her lap. “Well, you know it’s a work in progress obviously. But it’s getting there. I think you would be pretty impressed. You never played with your left hand. The student has surpassed the master.”</p><p>She reached out to rest her fingertips against the gravestone. A figure came up behind her, casting a familiar shadow.</p><p>“You ready to go kiddo?” The slow Texas drawl breaking through the quiet.</p><p>“Yeah yeah old man, I’m coming.” Ellie returned the guitar to her case and stood. Dusting off her jeans.</p><p>Tommy’s face was split by a large grin as he threw an arm over her shoulder. “You know I think you should do an open mic night at the Bison? Everyone would get a real kick out of that.”</p><p>“No way Tommy. Not worth the public embarrassment.” </p><p>They walked past Jesse’s headstone, it was covered in flowers and photos that they had all laid down earlier today. Everyone had headed back to Robin and Lina’s house after, wanting to give Ellie some privacy.</p><p>“Don’t just dismiss it out of hand Ellie, think about it.”</p><p>“Hmmm ok yeah thought about it. Still no.”</p><p>They both walked into Robin and Lina’s house, the banners that Ellie had painted had been strung across the entryway.</p><p>HAPPY BIRTHDAY JJ!!!</p><p>The house was bustling. Robin was still icing the cake that Jill, Jesse’s younger sister had baked. Janice was wearing baby Jordan in a baby sling as she directed her husband about where to hang decorations. Maria and Lina were laughing about something in the living room, each holding a mug of wine. Tommy went to help Robin, as Ellie put down the guitar case by the door.</p><p>“Oh Ellie! Good timing, we’re about ready to cut the cake…..if Robin ever finishes icing the damn thing.” Lina projected into the kitchen.</p><p>“You can’t rush a masterpiece, my love!” Robin cheerfully shouted back.</p><p>Lina shook her head with a laugh, “anyway Dina and JJ are upstairs. We’ll get the candles lit when y’all come down.”</p><p>“You got it Lina.” Ellie jogged up the stairs, taking two steps at a time. </p><p>Ellie peeked into the baby room that Robin and Lina had set up for when they’re babysitting.</p><p>Dina was gamely trying to get JJ into his special occasion outfit and he was not having it.</p><p>“Sweetheart I love you but honestly I can’t let you ring in this birthday stark naked, so cooperate with me please.” Dina was kneeling trying to button up JJ’s shirt.</p><p>JJ was squirming, “mama, I don’t wanna.”</p><p>“I was going to ask how things were going but I guess not great.” Ellie leaned her shoulder on the door frame.</p><p>Seeing her, JJ ran on his chubby legs toward her, arms outstretched and shirt half buttoned. “Mommy, mommy!” Ellie lifted him into her arms in one quick scoop. The little potato was getting heavy.</p><p>“Ok smartass. I give up. I’m tagging you in to help get him dressed.” Dina stood up and threw her arms up into the air.</p><p>Ellie pretended to cover JJ’s ears, “babe, you gotta watch that language, at this age they’re language sponges.”</p><p>“Uh huh, learn anything useful in the baby books about wrangling a little nudist toddler?” Dina pressed a kiss to Ellie’s lips. </p><p>“Come on, how hard could it be?”</p><p>After 15 minutes, Dina and Ellie were successfully able to get JJ into his clothes. The adults were both sweaty and disheveled from the effort.</p><p>“Ok. Thank god. Let’s get this show on the road.” Dina went out to shout down that the guest of honor was ready to greet his guests. </p><p>JJ was giggling as Ellie blew air into his face. “Hear that little guy? Time to shine!”</p><p>Together the three of them descended the staircase. </p><p>There was a beautifully decorated cake on the dining table with a T-Rex iced onto it, with the words “Happy Birthday JJ!” on it and three small red candles lit.</p><p>Ellie and Dina held JJ up as everyone started singing. JJ beamed at the attention, with very little sense of what was happening. </p><p>He struggled to blow out the candles by himself</p><p>“Alright well there’s three so one for each of us.” Ellie said to Dina.</p><p>Dina smiled back, “yes as a team then.”</p><p>Together they blew out the candles and everyone clapped.</p><p>While JJ opened presents in the living room, Dina stood next to Ellie, leaning against her. She reached up to run a hand through Ellie’s hair which was starting to grow past her shoulders, although she still kept it tied up most of the time.</p><p>Ellie reached her hand around Dina’s waist and hugged her close. “I can’t believe he’s three.”</p><p>“I know! I can’t quite wrap my head around it.”</p><p>JJ was opening Dina’s gift, it was a new copy of The Root Child. It had taken a long time to find it in a library in Idaho. The original copy Lina had given him had fallen apart from constant use. Jesse’s family all looked up toward her and smiled seeing this.</p><p>Next was Ellie’s gift in a small paper parcel. It was a hand carved wooden hamsa that Ellie had attached to a woven bracelet for JJ.</p><p>Dina gasped, “when did you make that?”</p><p>“It was my side project. I wanted him to have his own. It’s good luck after all.” Ellie bent down to tie it onto JJ’s right wrist.</p><p>“Thought you didn’t believe in luck?” Dina looked at Ellie with a smirk.</p><p>Ellie stood and wrapped Dina back in her arms again.</p><p>“People can change.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Another WLW storyline I wasn't satisfied with so I'm back on my bullshit I guess. There are so many good fics about ElliexDina post part 2 already, likely not adding anything new, still I wanted to be part of our collective need for closure on this.</p><p>Hope y'all like it, I've listened to Take on Me so many times now.</p><p>For queer folks reading this, you are worthy of being loved and you deserve a happy ending.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>